One thing that all sentient beings have in common is the desire to be happy and to avoid being hurt. This is true for all human beings but also for every dog, cow, or even a bug … It is the universal nature of all sentient beings. We all want to be happy. We all want to avoid pain.

Happiness often leads to attachment

Once we find happiness, we don’t want to give it up so easily. We want to keep being happy. That is also very natural.

When people find a satisfying relationship some of them tend to pin their happiness in an excessive way on the other. As if the other person is their embodied happiness. As if they cannot be happy again without this person. They get stressed by the idea of losing the other, being alone, and being miserable. This is what we call attachment. I am attached in a way, that the disappearance of an object or a person causes suffering in me.

Being in a relationship with someone else does not mean, that one owns the other. The idea, that the partner is yours and will provide your happiness is a common misconception. It puts a lot of pressure on your partner and it might happen that you create the opposite of a happy relationship. Because your partner might feel a lot of pressure to make you happy, there might be blaming, accusing, controlling, etc.

Instead, when you stop trying to own and control the world, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you.

Attachment is normal, excessive attachment is problematic

Many people think that attachment is the root cause of suffering in a relationship. That that is partly true. As much as we love a person, we will suffer just as much when they are no longer there. We hurt where we care. If I would not love someone, I would not be sad once they are gone. So it is a normal feeling to be attached to another being. How else could a mother take care of her child? Attachment is a key ingredient for relationships. If you do not care about someone, you would not try to form a bond of some sort.

So even though Buddhist Psychology tells us that attachment is the root cause of suffering, Buddhism does not say all attachment is bad. It is an excessive attachment that causes harm. It is the fact that we are more attached to one person than to another. Sometimes we are more attached to another person than to ourselves. And that causes some big trouble. Because we forget that there is a world out there with many beautiful people. Instead, we focus on just one person and make him the source of our happiness. That is just not reasonable.

Ways to let go of a person

You are my better half, my one and only, the reason for me to live… This kind of thinking leads to trouble.

But how to let go of an excessive attachment to a person? It is not a simple thing to let go of attachment. It is not a one-time decision. Instead, it’s a day-to-day commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact.

The best approach is to start simple:

Be your best friend

It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people—not just how they make you feel about yourself. So try to treat yourself as if you are your best friend. It is not about thinking differently. We all have judgemental thoughts about ourselves. It is about acting differently. How could someone else notice in your behavior, that you are indeed your best friend?

Learn to be alone

How did this special person become a special person to you? Right! You did spend time together. And not just any kind of time. It was quality time. So do the same with yourself. Spend time with yourself and learn to enjoy being just with yourself. If you learn to be happy on your own, what can happen to you, if you will be alone eventually?

Interact with many people

If you limit yourself to one or two relationships they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. From the perspective of Buddhist Psychology, it is impossible to love only one person. Either we love all of them or we love none. If you learn to love many people, your life will be filled with love. Love will be abundant.

Justify less

I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. Thoughts like this reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you are strong enough to carry on if and when things change. You probably won’t be able to alter your thoughts. But you are able to change your behavior. Even if you think your life will be miserable without another being, try to challenge yourself and make new experiences. Consider the possibility that your thoughts are wrong.

Have compassion

Feeling like the world is falling apart, feeling sad, hopeless, or insecure is just as natural as breathing. It is part of the human condition. We do have emotions. It’s just normal. And there is no need to beat yourself up for it. Try to be understanding with yourself, try to be supportive and compassionate. Know that all emotions will change eventually. And it does not help if you judge yourself or even see your emotions as evidence for a bad future. Hold yourself kindly.

Hold lightly

You are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

Working on your issues with attachment is hard work, requires a lot of mental work, and can be tiring from time to time, but it is worth the work and you will be much stronger and able to have healthy relationships with others.

I introduce myself

Psychologische Onlineberatung Psychotherapie

My name is Carolin Müller, I am a Psychologist (M.Sc.), Buddhist Therapist and Onlinepsychologist. With my clients I talk via VideoCall about depression, worries, anxieties and lack of self-esteem.

Learn more here!

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