How to forgive and forget a wrongdoer?

Forgiveness and forgetting is a process many seek. But do we really want to forgive or do we just want to forget?

Why is it so hard to forgive and to forget?

Our mind, including our memory, is there to protect us from danger. Once we have burned our hands in the fire, it is important that we remember it. Because if we forget what happened to us, we will get hurt again.

It is the same when we experience emotional pain. It is the same brain area that is active in the creation of a memory. Again, it is about avoiding pain, even if it is emotional.

Is it possible to forget without forgiving?

Do you know such a person: freshly separated, the partner should disappear as quickly as possible from their life and preferably also from their memory. Photos are burned, souvenirs of the trip to Italy end up in the garbage, the house is sold and the wrongdoer is best kept out of sight.

This way one tries to forget the other person and the pain they caused. The person does not forgive, but eliminates things that remind them of the past and their pain. One pretends that they do not feel the pain anymore, but actually it is just a nice way of pretending.

Feelings that need to be felt will be suppressed. But the feelings always find another way to be expressed: insomnia, toothache, back pain, unexplained energy loss, and such can be symptoms of suppressed emotions.

Forgetting without forgiving is not possible.

How can I forgive?

I will not lie to you, forgiving is not always easy. It is sometimes very difficult.

But forgiving is a sign of good mental health. Why? If we can forgive, it shows that we can put ourselves in the other’s shoes. We can see the situation from their point of view.

We cannot forgive as long as we are convinced of “I am the good one and the other one is evil.” With forgiveness, there is no good and evil.

If we put ourselves in the other’s shoes, we may realize that we also do good but also bad things sometimes. We also have both sides in us and we are not better than the other one. Our values ​​may forbid us from doing exactly the same thing (“I would never lie so boldly!”) but in other areas we might not be entirely free from error, for example when we gossip behind the back of our colleagues. We are not better. We are different but not better.

Convincing ourselves that we are the good guys is only good for our ego and helps us to justify our own behavior. But as long as we believe in it, there is no forgiveness. And without forgiveness no forgetting.

If we are able to forgive, our memories will fade as well. Often we hear people say after a fight: “I do not even remember how it all started.” Yes, it is forgiven and forgotten. And then only pleasant memories remain.

On my blog, I’ve cited a study according to which forgetting without forgiveness is much harder to do.

PS: This method is intended for general situations of forgiveness. It is by no means the only step in the treatment of trauma. For the treatment of trauma, please consult a psychologist.